Starting Somewhere

“You’ve just gotta start somewhere.” That’s what my parents said to comfort me when I decided to move back home after graduating college. At the time, I thought the advice was a load of horseshit. Obviously if I knew where to start I would have done it already! However, I would later realize every young adult's worst fear: That my parents were in fact right. 

I was feeling lost in a place that easily swallows you whole, chews you up, spits you out, and then swallows you again, all without remorse. To be honest, it was working for me. I’ve always been the type up for a challenge, to prove I could handle it. It was working for me, until it wasn’t. Even the pretending couldn’t hide it. So I took my parents advice, bid adieu to the Big Apple, and moved back to butt-fuck suburbia:))

I wish the phrase “just start somewhere” had been more comforting to me at the time (it would have made the transition much easier). I mean it’s the perfect unsolicited advice to pass out to young adults. It’s open ended and has this sense of possibility like I can do anything I want. So then why was I consumed with anxiety over it? 

Looking back, I thought it was because I didn’t know what I wanted, but now I know that wasn’t the case. I don’t think it was because I didn’t know what I wanted or how to start; I think it was the exact opposite of that. I did know, and it went against everything I had been fighting for most of my life to achieve. 

I’m a first gen graduate of a proud Puerto Rican family who have fought very hard to get me where I am. I feel like only some will get it, but I feel guilty for a lot of the things I’m able to do that my parents couldn’t because they didn’t have the same privileges that I do. My whole life I’ve made sure to work hard to live up to their expectations and ensure their efforts weren’t in vain. I felt immense pressure as a new graduate to find a stable job and have something to show for my education (ya know, make the fam proud). Even though I knew a corporate job would grant me that stability and financial freedom, it didn’t feel right. 

I’m an overthinker and a perfectionist at my core, but I’m also someone who has multiple creative passions. Problem was, I didn’t always believe those passions would allow me to exist as a functioning member of society. To be flat out, I was a scared little bitch. Luckily for me, I’m also a stubborn little bitch. I couldn’t, and still can’t, see myself giving up what I actually love for a life of obligation. 

Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I want too much out of life and there simply are not enough years to curate everything I want in just one. But after a lot of internal work to shut the fear up, and focusing on envisioning what my goal is the last few months, I can firmly say, I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to get the most of what this life can give. 

Eight months ago I heard that phrase “start somewhere” and felt suffocated because to start meant I had to pick. I had to choose the path I wanted to walk down: acting, styling, social media, photography, a secure corporate job. And because I was scared to pick, I just stood still. An easy way to die young. 

Now I think of that phrase anytime I’m curious about something. I use it as my fuel to explore the things that I kept repressing because I was afraid it wouldn’t fit the mold, fit on the resume, or fit the life I was supposed to lead. 

I dream of someday connecting with and inspiring people through the work I do. It’s been at the core of everything I’ve ever wanted. And my hope is that by starting here, I’ll figure out just what that is, while also helping others overcome the hurdles of being young adults who don’t have a clue what they’re to do in today’s world. I may not know yet how I’m going to get there, but I’m tired of suppressing my curiosity and creativity to appease my fear of judgment.

If you’re like me, a young adult or someone simply hitting refresh on your life, then understand this: you are full of potential energy. Ya know, the kind we learned about in elementary science class. We might have viewed it then as a ball at the top of the hill or a hot wheel race car at the top of the mega garage track, but little did we know how metaphorical a simple lesson would be in our lives.

Right now, you possess the desire to move forward and remove yourself from the matrix. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have read this far. However, you either think you don’t know how to do that or you’re afraid of trying because of what the results will be. Well lucky fucking you, because that means you get an amazing opportunity; the opportunity to figure out for yourself if the result of not trying, of staying exactly where you are, is better or worse than never having tried at all. If you think about that for a second, then you might find just like I did that the fear of not reaching your dreams is more powerful than the fear you have of simply trying. 

As for the how, well no one in this life knows how they are doing anything. If I know anything at 24 to be fact, it’s that. Don’t worry yourself over the how. You have no business knowing the how. That, my friend, is unfortunately out of your control. The universe works in mysterious ways and you gotta lean into the mystery. 

So, take the risk, make the jump, dive head first into the mess. It all starts with the belief that you are worth it, worth too much to settle for less and not dream of more. And to prove I’m not just here to shove meaningless words in your head– this is me, a person who has always considered themselves a shit writer and believed that their voice had little value, writing my first blog post ever. I may still be a shit writer and there are probably people who started this and thought it was horseshit, but the best part is, I don’t care.

So…to the fear, I kindly say fuck off. 

And to you I say, lead with curiosity, spark your creativity, and simply start. 

With love,

Brielle Melendez